maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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