Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
time to smoke my breakfast
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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