Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
