His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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