apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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