you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
