So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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