why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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