Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
