They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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