I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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