is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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