His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
