I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
