a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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