the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
