your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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