Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
