I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
