If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
