Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
