3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
