did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
