i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
