so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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