Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
