I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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