Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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