I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
