my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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