the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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