also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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