So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
