my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize