I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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