i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
