Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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