I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
