Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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