The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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