I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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