I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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