ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
MIDGETS
????
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
