Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
