I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
