Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
