i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
