We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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