i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
