So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize