Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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