a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
