She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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