I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
