Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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