you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
