Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
