she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
