Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
