just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
