There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
