I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
