drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
